


Let There Be Light, Let Me Be Alright

by Midnightminx90



Series: TSAR [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Family, Family Feels, Family Loss, Grief/Mourning, Inspired by Fanfiction, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 14:47:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21411916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midnightminx90/pseuds/Midnightminx90
Summary: Grog attempts to deal with the loss of WilhandCompanionpiece to The Sun Still Rises (Even With the Pain)
Relationships: Grog Strongjaw & Pike Trickfoot, Keyleth/Grog Strongjaw, Scanlan Shorthalt & Grog Strongjaw, Scanlan Shorthalt/Pike Trickfoot
Series: TSAR [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1543525
Comments: 8
Kudos: 48





	Let There Be Light, Let Me Be Alright

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tameila](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tameila/gifts), [HumbleWaysideFlower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HumbleWaysideFlower/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Sun Always Rises](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10013741) by [tameila](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tameila/pseuds/tameila). 

> I love Grog a lot, and I felt he too needed to be heard in all of this. To him the loss of Wilhand feels different than it does to Pike, because it was never something he felt he had to worried about and while they have the same support system, Grog isn't good with words, and so he doesn't know how to put his feelings of loss into words
> 
> Title from Sun by Sleeping at Last

Grog’s never been one for prayers or deities.   
  
He knows Sarenrae is important to Wilhand and Pike and Vax, but he’s never seen the point really. Grog’s made his own way in life, forged his own path that’s lead him to where he is now. And he’s happy like this, happy with being retired and running a gym, living with Wilhand and spending time with his friends.  
  
Mostly with Keyleth though.   
  
Keyleth is different from anyone Grog’s ever known, and she understands him in ways even Pike doesn’t. Grog doesn’t think he’s ever been this content in his life, but he still feels torn between wanting to live with her and his responsibilities when it comes to Wilhand.  
  
Which is why he leaves for home early in the morning, with the sun barely having begun its journey across the sky.  
  
He whistles as he walks into the house, not worried about the presence of Scanlan’s car and the door standing ajar. Pike still comes by each day and Grog simply suspects she just came by to have breakfast with her Papa.   
  
But then he peeks into Wilhand’s room and finds something that shatters the calm.  
  
For the first time in his life, Grog cries, and it feels like the breaking of a dam, unleashing a torrent of grief he didn’t know himself capable of.   
  
\---  
  
Grief is something entirely new and not something Grog knows anything about.  
  
He looks to his friends, Pike in particular, to see how they deal with the loss. Grog knows they have all lost someone, that they’re all down a parent or more, and so even though not all were close to Wilhand, they still knew they were always welcome in his house and temple.   
  
Keyleth cries a lot. Vax is even more silent than usual, and begins to frequent the temple even more, when he’s not spending time with Gilmore. Percy is awkward but sincere and Vex offers both their help. Scanlan never strays from Pike’s side unless he can help it.   
  
And Pike… Pike is all over the place.  
  
She tells him of her pregnancy after the funeral, and Grog tells her he’s happy for them, even though it sounds like a lie to his own ears, because his feelings are such a mess that he doesn’t know what he feels.  
  
The loss of Wilhand is too much for him to be able to focus on a new life.  
  
Grog takes it out on his punching bag, most of the time. He’s closed the gym for the time being, unable to focus on helping others train.  
  
Pike and Keyleth still show up to train, and Pike takes her own feelings out on the bags, enough so that between the three of them punching, hitting and kicking, Grog needs to swap a couple of them out.  
  
Grog’s not smart, or at least he’s been told so enough growing up, but he knows Pike needs to talk.  
  
Not just from looking at her, but because it’s been their ritual for so long, talking things over while hitting the bag, as the other stands on the other side and listens. But she’s quieter than usual, though not for lack of strength behind her punches.  
  
But he must be stupid, he thinks later, when he realises that she wanted _him_ to talk.   
  
\---  
  
Sparring with Keyleth is odd now, not like before when it felt natural, because now Grog’s aware of each point of contact, and it ends up transferring to their hugs and kisses until he doesn’t feel like touching her at all.  
  
Grog doesn’t like it and he doesn’t know what the change comes from.  
  
Not until it all comes to a head.   
  
Their friends asks him if he wants to talk about it, again and again until he snaps at Keyleth one day.   
He doesn’t see her for days after that. Grog doesn’t know why he did that, can’t remember the words he shouted at her. But he remembers the feelings flooding through him.  
  
He remembers the anger and hurt, the feelings of being abandoned.   
  
\---  
  
Grog goes to Pike first.  
  
He doesn’t know what to say to her either, so he gives her a big hug and tells her that he shouted at Keyleth without really knowing why and that he needs to apologise but doesn’t know how.  
  
As he tells her of the last part, Scanlan enters the room and he’s only too happy to be of service on the matter.  
  
“You have to give her flowers and chocolates big guy! Maybe a stuffed animal too, like a teddybear or something. Ladies love that stuff, trust me! Right Pikey-poo?“ Scanlan grins at his wife, who rolls her eyes.  
  
“She’ll care more that you talk to her than about what you give her,” Pike tells him, her tone reassuring. “Your apology will mean more than any gift.”  
  
Grog does buy flowers and chocolate, turning up at Kiki’s door with the words still churning in his head. He needs to apologize, because Keyleth deserves it, and she’s not at fault for all of this.  
  
Keyleth opens the door, and the words he had planned fade.  
  
“You look beautiful,” he tells her, and it’s nothing but the truth. Even like this, with tousled hair, dressed in worn pj’s and signs she’s not taken a shower in a couple days, Keyleth looks beautiful.  
  
She doesn’t answer, and he holds out his gifts.   
  
They’re stupid really, and not what she deserves, but he didn’t know what else to get her that he could get his hands on right then and there.   
  
“It’s alright if you don’t wanna talk to me,” he tells her. “But you have to know, I am sorry for what I said. ‘s not your fault that he’s gone and that I don’t how to deal with all of this.”  
  
“Grog,” she begins, but he cuts her off.  
  
“No, I want you to hear me out first. I’m no good with words. I never know what to say and I mess it up when I try. I’m not like you or Pike or Scanlan. I can’t just say stuff and have it make sense. But I wanna talk about it. About him. I just don’t know how.”  
  
Keyleth reaches out for him, and Grog tries to give her his useless peace offerings again.  
  
She ignores them, grasping his arm instead and pulling him inside.   
  
“I know,” she says, once the door’s closed and his gifts are put down on a table. She steps up to him, and his arms goes around her and it feels so good to hold her again.   
  
“I wasn’t mad at you,” Keyleth continues, voice muffled against his chest. “I knew you needed time, and figured you’d let me know when you wanted to talk. Cause I’d never make you try unless you were ready and I hope you know that.”  
  
Grog nods, and it’s awkward with his chin resting on the top of her head.  
  
“I’m just… empty,” Grog says. “Dunno how else to explain it. I never cared for anyone else like that and I never thought he’d just be _gone_. I mean, he was old, so it made sense right? I should have known.”  
  
“You couldn’t have,” Keyleth reassures him. “You can never know when it’s going to happen and just because Wilhand was old, it doesn’t mean he was old enough for you to expect it.”  
  
She pauses.  
  
“I think Pike was though, but only because she’s been so focused on him since he was sick and she thought she lost him, that it became a constant worry for her. I don’t think she’s ever not been worried about him, now that I think about it. But that’s just Pike; she’s always been like that. And you can’t blame yourself for that, Grog, cause you’re not like her, not in that way.”  
  
“Maybe if I was more like her, if I’d stayed with him…”  
  
“It wouldn’t have made a difference Grog,” Keyleth interrupts him. “It was his time and there was nothing you could have done about it. He wasn’t sick or anything, and they said it was of natural causes.”  
  
Keyleth steps away from him then, looking into his eyes.  
  
“Grog, please tell me you’re not blaming yourself for this. Please. If there’s anything I learnt, what all of us who have lost someone have learnt, it’s that it’s not our fault. It’s not Scanlan’s fault his mother died, right? And it’s not yours or Pike’s fault Wilhand passed away.”   
  
He nods, unable to speak, and then he pulls her into his arms again.  
  
“Thank you Keyleth.”  
  
\---  
  
There are times when Grog goes to the Temple, times when the need is so strong that he visits Wilhand’s grave, trying to talk to him as though he is still alive and just catching up on what’s happened since they last spoke, as though he were back in college or out on the road.   
  
He doesn’t leave flowers, but leaves a small mug filled with ale for Wilhand instead, because to Grog it seems more fitting. There are only so many flowers Wilhand can keep and besides, Grog doesn’t know which flowers he’d like, but he knows Wilhand likes… used to like to drink when he could.   
  
Then he goes inside and sits on one of the front pews, next to where Wilhand used to sit.  
  
Grog never says anything out loud, but he tries to talk to Sarenrae, not sure he’s doing it right but at least he tries. _If you can hear me,_ _take care of him for us_, he thinks. _Tell him how much he’s meant to me since he took me in, even though I never told ‘im. And take care of Pike, ‘cause it’s hard for her too. _  
  
\---  
Other times he’ll walk to Greyskull Keep.  
  
It’s never for the exercise or the air but to remember what it was like before. Back when they were kids, when Grog was barely a teenager and tasked with watching over Pike and her friends.   
  
It had never felt like a chore, because it had felt like freedom, to be able to be out there, with no adult supervision and no fear of being beaten up for just sitting under a tree or playing make-pretend with others. And it had let Grog feel grown up and trusted, being responsible for their safety.   
  
Everything had been so much simpler back then, when they had no care in the world, and the only worry was getting home to a cold dinner.  
  
\---  
  
“It’s okay to forget, you know that right?” Keyleth tells him one night, a couple of weeks later, when they’ve gone to bed after a long day.   
  
“Forget what?” he asks her, not able to guess her meaning.  
  
“To forget that he’s dead. I know Pike does, sometimes. She told me.” Keyleth takes a deep breath. “You know, it’s been so long since my mom passed but I still forget sometimes. I’ll wake up and think that I’ll give her a call. Or maybe when I’m pleased with something I’ve made, I’ll think of showing it to her.”  
  
She stills, and Grog turns over to look at her in the dark room.  
  
“When we started dating, all I wanted to do was call her and tell her how happy I was, and to tell her all about you. It was almost as if I could hear her voice and see her face, but then I remembered and…” Her voice stutters to a halt. “I hadn’t cried that much in a long time, not like I did then.”  
  
“Keyleth,” Grog says, but stops, because he doesn’t know what else to say. But he knows it’s okay, now, that he doesn’t. Because that’s just the way he is.  
  
“I just wanted you to know,” Keyleth finishes.   
  
“Thank you,” he says, and he can hear the tears in his voice, and for a brief moment he thinks back to his uncle, who used to beat him for it, and to Wilhand, who told him it was okay, and that crying just made him stronger.  
  
Keyleth smiles at him, and even in the dark he can see the sadness in it.  
  
\---  
  
Wilhelmina is born, and Grog waits in the hospital with Keyleth, unable to sit still for fear of what’s going on with Pike.  
  
Grog knows nothing about this part of life, but he knows it can be dangerous and he thinks back to the time Wilhand was in the hospital and Pike never left his side for fear of his death. And he knows this isn’t the same, he does, but the fear still wells up inside him until he doesn’t know what to do, fears that his fear will come bursting out of him like a great storm.  
  
When Grog was young and living with his uncle, he never cared for anyone, because he was taught that was a weakness.  
  
And now he cares so much, about so many, all thanks to Pike and Wilhand, that he doesn’t know what to do at times. It takes all his willpower not to burst into the delivery room to make sure Pike and Scanlan and their baby is okay.  
  
Then Scanlan arrives, _finally_, looking happier than Grog’s ever seen him before.  
  
He rushes up to his best friend and brother-in-law, and the questions must be clear on his face because Scanlan laughs, and he looks tired but content.  
  
“They’re both fine, and you can see them soon. They just need to clean her up and weigh and measure her and then they’ll bring her back.”  
  
“Her?” Grog asks, knowing what it means. “You had a girl?!”  
  
“That we did big guy! She looks just like Pike if you ask me, but my wife says she looks like me as well.”  
  
“Well, what did you name her then? Did you name her Juniper after your mom?” Grog asks as Keyleth walks up to them. “Or haven’t you decided yet?”  
  
Scanlan smiles again, but Grog can see a tear well over. “Pike wanted to be the one to tell you, so you’ll just have to wait for a moment, because you know I can never deny that woman anything.”   
  
A moment passes before one of the nurses say they can come see the baby.  
  
“Only the closest family,” the nurse specifies, as he looks at the gathered group of friends waiting. “The rest will have to wait for another day.”  
  
Keyleth takes a step back, turning to walk towards the twins and Percy, but Grog stops her.  
  
“You’re her aunt,” he says, taking her hand in his. “You’re coming with.”   
  
As he begins to head towards the door, Grog realises that he doesn’t know where to go exactly, so he turns to look at Scanlan, waiting for him to show them the way. As he does, he sees the pleased smiles on the faces of his friends, and it feels as though something’s shifted, something unspoken.  
  
He’ll have time to think of that later. Right now he wants to see his niece.  
  
Scanlan leads them towards the room where Pike and the baby is. Pike’s holding her daughter, and she looks like shit, but Grog knows better than to tell her that, so he tells her she looks great, hoping she’ll believe the lie.  
  
Pike does laugh, sounding exhausted but happy. She doesn’t reply.  
  
“Do you want to hold her?” she asks instead, as Grog sits down next to the bed.  
  
“I don’t know, he says. “Is that safe?” His eyes flicker towards the small baby, swaddled up. It can’t be safe for someone like him to hold someone like that, can it? She seems so fragile and his hands are so strong and large.   
  
“You won’t hurt her Grog,” Keyleth says, cooing at the newest addition to the Trickfoot family.   
  
“We trust you,” Pike adds, carefully holding her daughter out for him to take. “You don’t have to if you don’t want…”  
  
“No, I want to!” Grog interrupts, louder and more forcefully than he intended. Then he adds, in a lower voice “I just wanted to be sure it was okay.”  
  
Gorg’s hands shake a bit as Pike places her in his hands, showing him how to support her head correctly. Not that it’s a problem with his large hands, but it’s good to know he’s doing it right.  
He peers down at her, then hold her closer to his chest, and he can’t help the sounds of adoration and wonder escaping his lips.  
  
“We named her Wilhelmina, after Wilhand,” Pike says, and Grog’s eyes snap to hers.  
  
Keyleth’s arms grasp his, and Grog feels like there’s a lump in his throat that he is unable to swallow. He doesn’t fight the tears, not this time, but the smile on his face grows larger with each tear that falls down his cheeks, and he’s careful to wipe them away before they hit Wilhelmina.  
  
“Hi,” he tells her, voice as quiet as he can make it. “My name’s Grog and I’m your uncle and I promise you I’m gonna be the best uncle ever. I’m gonna keep you safe and I’m never gonna treat you like my uncle treated me, I promise I’m not gonna be like him.”  
  
Grog hears a sob, and he looks up to see Pike crying.  
  
“We know you’re not,” she says through her tears. “You’re never going to be like him, because you’ll be like Wilhand.”  
  
“I miss him so much,” Grog says in between great heaving gasps.   
  
“I do too. And it will never pass, but we’re in this together Grog. I need you to remember that, and to remember Wilhand, so that when Wilhelmina is older, we can tell her all about him. I hate that he never got to meet her, but at least he knew before he passed, and I think…” Pike’s breath hitches. “I think he was finally able to let go because of her.”  
  
“He should’ve been here,” Grog says, a spike of anger welling in him. But he quells it, because he knows it’s useless and it won’t change anything.”  
  
“She has you now. You’re not him, and I don’t want you to be, but you’ll be just as good to her as he was to us. Because he taught us that.”  
  
“I’ll try to make him proud,” Grog manages to say through the lump in his throat.  
  
“I know you will,” Pike tells him. 


End file.
